This article was written by Matt

Patricia Krentcil is a white 44 year old mother who looks like she dipped herself in chocolate. She is a tanning mom that spends a lot of time and money crisping her wannabe MILF skin into what has become the most recent slow news witch hunt. In late April, Krentcil’s five year old daughter (she has since turned 6) complained of a sunburn itch while in school. The minute she mentioned she had gone to a tanning booth with her mother, her New Jersey teacher’s panties got all bunched up and Big Brother was summoned. Before the kid could say Sponge Bob her mom was arrested on second degree child endangerment and they both ended up on the front of the New York Post (Murdoch’s wanted poster rag he likes to call a newspaper). Mommy Krentcil looked so revolting in her tanned leather mask that men’s balls shriveled at the mere sight of this carnival act. However, it sold papers.

Krentcil’s 15-Minutes

Although she had to hire a lawyer and get dragged into court amongst the pointing fingers of her local brethren (most men probably wearing women’s underwear and most women probably cheating on their men), she was found innocent. The tanning salon employees testified that Krentcil never brought her daughter into the stand-up tanning bed and that she was safely being tended to by her father and brother in the waiting area. The daughter simply had sunburn from being out on a recent, unseasonably warm day. Yet, it was Krentcil’s star moment, the moment she had been crisping her skin for her whole life.

She got to make quotes like:

• “Look at my daughter’s picture, she’s as pale as a ghost, she has red hair. I’m a great mother, I’m a wonderful mother. I would die right now for her.” (Then why didn’t you put sun block on her idiot?)
• “They’re jealous, they’re fat and they’re ugly” (Referring to her surrounding, pale, witch hunt community who obviously want to look like a walking leather suitcase too)
• “Shut up!” (to a passing motorist beeping the horn)

Helicopter Society

You may have heard of a ‘helicopter mom’, someone who wipes every sniffle their kid makes. However, is there possibly a ‘helicopter society’? In the case of Patricia Krentcil it certainly seems that the teacher’s reaction was a helicopter move. Couldn’t someone simply have called the mother and father in for a conference? The days of common sense just may be behind us. News is money and money is news so with politicians, athletes and realty show wannabe celebrities making misstep after misstep, our society has turned into a camera-on-every-corner-and –in-every-hand hyper vigilant watch dog witch hunt.

Tanning mom Krentcil was a target on a slow news day. She also, once again, lifted the underbelly of our dumbed-down, negative news addicted world. As long as people are not in it, they will slow down to look at the car wreck. Watch your back, you could be next.