This article was written by Matt

Blowing a big smelly fart can be a satisfying thing. You feel it bubble up in your colon and slowly make its way to your sphincter and, if you are alone, you release that bad boy like the vile man you really are. Then, as your proud perfume permeates the area, you smile with extreme satisfaction until another one makes its way to the surface and blast all over again. The problem arises when you really need to crack one off and there is a high probability of being detected. Here are the 8 best ways to hide a fart so you can avoid building up noxious, toxic gas that will reverse back into your system and make your brain explode.

The Cough

The best way to conceal an ass bomb is to cough real loud and squeeze it out at the same time. Try to do this while walking so you not only manage to hide the sound but if there is a smell it will span out as you walk making it nearly impossible to detect that it came from your stinky ass.

The Cheek Spread

Just as you are about to ‘cut the cheese’ discreetly reach into your pants, beneath your underwear and pull one or both ass cheeks apart. When you release, hopefully you will only hear a quiet fizz and then, when it stops, you are clear.

The Diversion

If it is possible, look for a diversion that will send everyone’s attention away from your tooting hole. Maybe there is something in another room or even outside to catch people’s attention.

The Blame Game

If there is a dog or old person nearby you may be able to divert your farts onto them. Blaming others for your farts is risky due to the ‘whoever smelt it, dealt it’ rule but you can give it your best shot.

Gear Up

If you are really desperate you can get yourself some room deodorizer in a small travel size. Then, as you pop out your gaseous haze quickly spray the deodorizer into your pants to quell the rising stink.

Swim it Out

If you have gas around a swimming opportunity simply dive in every time you need to release the sleaze. Sure there will be gas bubbles surrounding you but, if you keep moving, they will quickly dissipate.

The Pillow

Sometimes, farting into a pillow is an excellent deterrent. Sit on a pillow and if you have another put that over your crotch. Then, blow away. Caution: When you move from this position there could be a rancid smell of all those saved up farts that rises. Make sure you get up when everyone leaves the room or exit fast and do not return.

Turn it Up

Turn up the volume on the television or music device and blow away. If it is smelly, get out of there quick. Use these 8 best ways to hide a fart and never worry about being embarrassed by your special butt stink ever again.